Becoming Assertive After Trauma, Anxiety, and Codependency
Have you ever wondered why it is so hard to stand up for yourself and voice your needs? Do you feel like you are caught in a tangled web of misunderstanding and relationship conflict?
For some, being assertive is especially difficult after they have endured trauma or struggle with anxiety and codependency in relationships.
Many toxic relationships force a person to lose their sense of self as they begin to distrust themselves and others. This creates a cycle of low self-esteem, fear of conflict, and attachment issues. This cycle can create poor boundaries that leave the person feeling invisible and fearful in the relationship.
There is hope! Dialectical Behavior Therapy is an excellent resource in interpersonal communication skill building and assertiveness training.
Why Clear Communication Matters
Because NO ONE CAN READ MINDS! Thankfully !
Now, imagine a relationship with a friend or partner or even a parent and child in which the other person understood your needs and values in a situation. Clear communication acts as a bridge that connects your thoughts and feelings to the outside world. It helps to avoid unnecessary drama, builds stronger relationships, and makes sure your needs are met by setting healthy boundaries.
Here’s a few steps to use in order to assertively speak your mind and protect your sense of self:
Describe
Start by describing the situation. Lay down the facts like a journalist reporting the news. Stick to the details without slipping in your personal judgments or interpretations. Clarity is your best friend here.
Example: "Yesterday, during our team meeting, I noticed that my suggestions were not included in the final plan."
Express
Next, express your emotions and thoughts about the situation. This is where you let people in on how you feel. Be honest but gentle and remember that your feelings should be considered.
Example: "I felt a bit overlooked and disappointed because I invested a lot of time in those ideas."
Assert
Now, it's time to assert by asking for what you want or saying no to what you don't want. Be direct and unapologetic. This is HUGE for trauma survivors! Lay a firm boundary like you life depended on it.
Example: "I would appreciate it if my contributions could be considered in future discussions."
Reinforce
Reinforce by explaining the positive outcomes of getting what you want. Reward, don’t punish.
Example: "Incorporating everyone's ideas could lead to a more comprehensive plan and boost team morale."
Stay Mindful
Be mindful. Stay focused on the issue at hand. Avoid getting sidetracked by distractions or personal attacks. Use the 'broken record' technique—repeat your point calmly if needed.
Example: "I understand we have other priorities, but it's important that my suggestions are heard."
Appear Confident
Appear confident in your body language and speech. Walk, talk, and act with confidence. Sometimes, you have to fake it till you make it. This is a great time to do a little grounding work ( deep breaths, 5 senses ) to keep calm.
Example: Maintain eye contact, use a steady tone of voice, and stand up straight.
Negotiate
Lastly, be ready to negotiate. Flexibility is key. Be willing to find a middle ground that works for everyone.
Example: "If it's too late to include my ideas in this plan, could we schedule a separate meeting to discuss them?"
My suggestion is to start small, perhaps with low-stakes situations, and gradually apply it to more challenging scenarios. Remember, assertiveness is not a guarantee that you'll always get what you want, but it significantly increases the chances of being heard and respected.
Assertiveness is not aggression. It is not disrespecting someone and pushing boundaries to get your way. Assertiveness is loving yourself enough to recognize your rights and honoring your feelings when you have a need that is not being met. Assertiveness is a tool to expand relationships, fortify yourself professionally, and be understood by those around you.
If you are looking for more skill building tools, I have two support groups starting in August. These groups are geared for either women recovering from trauma or young professional women launching into adulthood and dating. I am passionate about helping women gain a stronger self of self and build a faith that is uniquely their own. If you are interested in either an in-person or virtual group, click on the link below.
https://forms.gle/vWSkKHgTrRv63fvn9
As always, I pray you find your peace in their crazy world and I hope to be helpful however I can. Feel free to reach out !
Be well, Whitney
